Sunday, April 13, 2014

How I Lost 30 Pounds

Before I reveal the whys and wherefores (oh, the redundancy!) of why I lost 30 pounds, I want to provide the answer to how I lost 30 pounds.  Here is a severely unflattering photo of me at my heaviest:
And the after:
That's not right.  Let's try again:
How did this picture of severe anxiety and frailty appear?  Ah, senior year of college.  You kill me.  Okay, here we go:
 Look at the air I can get in my bulky Irish sweater! 
(I know you missed my maniacal grin.)

The only negative side effect from losing weight is that my ankle zipper jeans won't seem to leave my body. 

I sincerely hope that these tips will help you.  I put all of these into practice, and I fail all the time.  Keep going.  

Stop eating all treats and desserts.  Go cold turkey on this one right away.  My body was at a point where it needed something sweet every day.  I told my body "screw you" and made it suffer.  It is scary to change... scary to make the decision not to be dependent on more food than your body needs.  It's scary to take control.  For two weeks I had no treats.  No hot chocolate.  I finally allowed myself a piece of pie on Christmas; I had looked forward to it for days and I couldn't even finish it.  Take that, poisonous gateway to yeast infections!

Weigh yourself every day.  For a while, at least.  It was terrifying, TERRIFYING, to step on the scale for the first non-pregnant time in years.  That was the hardest step for me.  After I saw that fateful number on the scale, that was it.  Change needed to happen.  I also decided to make weighing myself fun and interesting.  Weight before and after a bowel movement?  Pre-workout?  Post-workout?  Morning?  Evening?  It's fascinating!  I would recommend putting a cap of two on the times you weigh yourself each day to avoid obsession.  (Just do the pre and post poop, that's a must.)  Also, keep in mind that muscle weighs more than fat, your weight fluctuates throughout the month, etc.  Weight is not the most important factor, but it sure is interesting.  I viewed it as a science experiment rather than a number mania.  I now weigh myself once a week from curiosity; otherwise, I go by how my clothes fit.  
You won't see the results on your body right away, but the decreasing number on the scale gives you a helpful visual.

Don't wear deodorant while exercising.  There's something so organic and disgusting to smell like a rotting pot of soup (my personal exercise scent) during and after your 80 degree run.  "My body made this sweat.  My body made this stench."  It's gross, but very effective.  It's also good for your body to naturally lose all those toxins that deodorant doesn't allow to escape your glandily glands.  The cool shower afterward feels more amazing, too.
I was so ecstatic that I could run almost two miles... I took a ridiculous selfie. (2012)

Don't reward yourself with food or gifts; reward yourself with a workout.  This is brainwashing at its finest.  I used to think to myself, "If I work out hard, I can have a wee brownie."  Nope, doesn't work.  I exercised regularly for years and didn't change my diet.  Ergo, I didn't lose weight.  You can't outrun your diet.  (I got that from some inspirational meme floating around. Whatever, it's true.)  The day I started eating less was the day I began to lose weight.  I now say to myself, "If I clean the bathroom and do the dishes, I can work out."  It's exhilarating to manipulate myself and get away with it.  Seriously though, this works.  Give yourself the gift of a positive attitude toward hard work and exercise.

Don't eat after dinner. Nothing.
If you feel like you need to eat after dinner, drink tea. Just tasting something will help curb the craving.  My personal favorites are Trader Joe's Harvest Blend Herbal Tea and Celestial Seasonings Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride.  Both of these are seasonal offerings, dagnabbit.

Eat until you're still a little hungry.  Suffer a bit.  Think of those that don't have enough food on a daily basis.  I hate to say it, but offer it up.  I swear that in the morning, you won't feel the hunger from the day before.  It's as if your body resets itself.  Drink your morning coffee with a bowl of oatmeal under a bed of raisins, toasted pecans, and cinnamon.  Weigh yourself, poop, and weigh yourself again.

I'll admit, I am very proud of my weight loss.  However, I am prouder of that girl who, at thirty pounds heavier, pushed through and ran a 5k.  (Can you believe that we're still at the same running pace?)  She's way cooler than me, actually.  I was always beautiful and awesome... but you knew that.

I will answer any and all questions in the comments!  Thank you for reading.

PS- Do I have to put a disclaimer that I'm not a certified health person?  Does Crazy Go Nuts University count?

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